I'm not sure what to do with this part of my life. Blogging used to be my main occupation, but along came the Christian affair, higher education, forums, Facebook and (annual) depressions. Whether this is goodbye, I don't know, yet. Maybe when I finish writing this question has been answered.
As you may remember I am no longer studying to become a teacher of English, though I still have a passion for the English language, continue to excel at it (for as far as my judgement is any good) and will probably always harbour a strong love for teaching; the lack of 'growth options' in education as a profession made me reconsider. Since I started working for the Netherlands Red Cross, the field of Human Health(care) has grasped my attention. So currently I am a student at the Academy of Nursing, becoming a Bachelor of Nursing in four years from now and, as is my intent, in about 10 years from now a Master of Nursing (which I think is the highest possible degree in the field). I've always wanted a title.
Though I am aware that I have to be able to take a distance from the suffering of other people, helping others is what makes me feel happy like nothing else. Come to think of it I feel rather guilty for not giving attention to my blogger buddies... I've learned a lot over the past year, mainly about myself. Turns out I am rather traditional when it comes to relationships and social behaviour, which is a reality-check I got with my first (and so far only) boyfriend earlier this year. It didn't last long, we were too different. But it was fun (and about, damn, time). I want to marry, because it is my right and people fought and still fight for it, but also because it is the 'normal' thing to do. A ring does make a relationship more serious in my experience. Also I don't do outdoor sex, though I don't think I have a problem with public nudity. Funny thing: there was this relatively attractive young guy last Queen's Day here in Groningen, who had sat down on a piece of broken glass. His ass-cheek was bleeding and needed stitching. Since we aren't allowed to stitch wounds, he was sent to the hospital. Sadly, the hospital didn't stitch him up (idiots...) so soon he came back to our (Red Cross) post because he felt blood running down his leg, again. Some woman was messing around planning to wrap his entire waste in a bandage, so I subtly took over. It was a small but deep wound (I could see well into the fatty tissue past the dermus in the gaping wound) which kept on bleeding like a drunk keeps on singing regardless of what happens around him. I neatly bandaged him with a plaster fixation. Afterwards I was amazed at how professional I was with this hot thing lying before me with his pants on his knees.
I digress. Though my traditional side keeps me on the safe side when it concerns things that might be found disturbing or unpleasant by people, there is another side of me which trivializes cultural values. Being rational is not always appreciated. But I think being rational does not entail being rude. Though compromising irrational values (like values based on myths, like religious beliefs) might be considered rude, it is not necessarily rude from an objective point of view. Like when last I replied to a message calling for medics to be present during a performance by some psychic guy who was going to talk to dead people, for money; that I would find serving the community there unethical as I would be supporting the performance of that charlatan and would have found it unpleasant to be there in that I had to restrain my urge to throw bricks at that man's head. Neutrality is an important - if not the most important - ground principle of the Red Cross Movement, but it is one that I struggle with from time to time. That incident was one of those moments. Other examples are people serving under the Red Cross performing Reiki or using homeopathic creams on adults. I mean, homeopathy is great for placebo effects, but it must be recognized as just that. Vaseline will do the same when presented appropriately.
Trivializing cultural values allows me to be rational in my thinking, but it does make me end up with theories and ideas which people might find extreme. I think truth is more important than comfort, quite exactly the way reality is reality, regardless of whether people will like it as it is. Pretending the world doesn't work as it does and isn't what it is, is lying and destructive to the progress of mankind. Great examples are the problem of overpopulation in this world, the idea of eugenics and objective morality. Concerning the latter, I think the educated world knows very well that morality is fundamentally an objective matter. The important things in morality are all determined by rationality, logic. Only subtleties in morality can be subjective. I think there is something as truth, which is why I think objective morality exists. The UDHR, I think, is a reasonable presentation of objective morality. But of course even the UDHR is flawed (as I have pointed out before) as it has been corrupted by irrational minds.
Sadly, though my dark (and getting darker) sense of humour is strong, I can't find everything funny anymore. Though the stupidity in this world supplies us with disasters of comical proportions everyday, it is so much it's not funny anymore. Looking at America, the Christian Broadcasting Network, my hope for a better tomorrow is wavering. We're royally fucking up this planet and our species. Deciding that my purpose in life is giving mankind a push in the right direction and attempting to make the experience of life for my fellow and future man better, sometimes seems a bad one. Humanism is great, really, but that ideology starts to feel just as Utopian as my views on government and economics. I've already begun identifying as a Utopian Socialist, maybe I should change from Secular Humanist to Utopian Humanist as well.
It frightens me that this might not work, in time or at all. The Absurd is lurking.
I largely stopped doing First Aid shifts at the theatre which employs us, because I really began being frustrated with people. Their imperfections sometimes overwhelmed me to the point where my professional attitude became shaky. The *facepalm*s started coming at too high a frequency for me to handle with the decency that is expected of me. Now don't think I am some hick which can't control his emotions. I am very good at keeping frustrations under control, dealing with 'difficult' people and tough social or emotional situations. But in my mind, the irritations do register. Fortunately, I find talking with people, getting this stuff and individual frustrations off my chest, really does help. The problem at the theatre is that my colleagues aren't suitable for such chats, because they are part of the frustration or just lack the social/intellectual level to be a valuable receiving partner.
I'm on Facebook, by the way. Hit me up anytime.
There have been a lot of mutations in my life this past year. I started a new education (Nursing), I became coördinator for the Red Cross Disaster Relief (for a short while), am now administrator; am the president of a new committee on Red Cross' District Level (provincial) called into existence to get the public's First Aid skill up to European standards (or preferably higher); am now the only coördinator for the COC (LGBT rights organization) Education Group; will stop being a scoutmaster this summer (just three more weeks, until Summer Camp is over) and will move on from the Scouts (aged 11-15) to the Explorers (aged 15-18), which will relieve me of all the organizational shit I had on my shoulders this year as all of my colleague leaders left... which was a lot of administration and organizing to handle for just one person. This older group within scouting has seemed troublesome to me in the past, since it was (and still is) an age category in which guys start becoming attractive to me. I used to not want to deal with 'those feelings' but now I figure it's not like I'm going to jump a guy I find very attractive, so there is no need to stay away from such pleasant company.
Not to mention the ex-boyfriend. He is cute, there was a definite "damn, I want that" moment when I first saw him. Sadly our personalities aren't matching. He is too free, still exploring (only out of the closet for a year, though he is a year older than I am), too irrational and not laid back enough for me. He found me too serious, too old-fashioned and too calm. Basically too boring I guess. He wasn't ready to settle yet. Our interests didn't match up either... Well, at least I finally had my first relationship. He is also bisexual, which I thought was problematic at first, but I liked his explanation of "I simply love people". I like how our break-up was mutual (though I felt sad) and not problematic.
The therapy for my depression(s) isn't going as planned. Apparently they thought it took me too long to come up with my physicians referral (which me and my physician didn't think was necessary for a first-line psychologist) so they kicked me out. I'm planning to (and going to) re-apply when school starts after summer. Probably with a different line of psychologists as I had several people tell me my previous one isn't much good, and I got a good referral from one of my female colleagues at the Red Cross (who matches my personality, does the psycho-somatic care after potentially traumatic experiences and happens to be the only other gay person in my department of the Red Cross Disaster Relief). Personally I think what is going on with my mental condition is a little more than (just) an annual winter depression.
Well, at least I try. : )
I really do miss blogging, now that I've gotten to writing another wall of text. But I don't think this will become a trend for me. I guess this will remain not much more than an occasional vent for me. Writing things down must be therapeutic in some way. Having other people read it is an incidental benefit, I guess. And last, for old times sake, some hottie to drool over. This is my most recent favourite: Michael Churchill
As you may remember I am no longer studying to become a teacher of English, though I still have a passion for the English language, continue to excel at it (for as far as my judgement is any good) and will probably always harbour a strong love for teaching; the lack of 'growth options' in education as a profession made me reconsider. Since I started working for the Netherlands Red Cross, the field of Human Health(care) has grasped my attention. So currently I am a student at the Academy of Nursing, becoming a Bachelor of Nursing in four years from now and, as is my intent, in about 10 years from now a Master of Nursing (which I think is the highest possible degree in the field). I've always wanted a title.
Though I am aware that I have to be able to take a distance from the suffering of other people, helping others is what makes me feel happy like nothing else. Come to think of it I feel rather guilty for not giving attention to my blogger buddies... I've learned a lot over the past year, mainly about myself. Turns out I am rather traditional when it comes to relationships and social behaviour, which is a reality-check I got with my first (and so far only) boyfriend earlier this year. It didn't last long, we were too different. But it was fun (and about, damn, time). I want to marry, because it is my right and people fought and still fight for it, but also because it is the 'normal' thing to do. A ring does make a relationship more serious in my experience. Also I don't do outdoor sex, though I don't think I have a problem with public nudity. Funny thing: there was this relatively attractive young guy last Queen's Day here in Groningen, who had sat down on a piece of broken glass. His ass-cheek was bleeding and needed stitching. Since we aren't allowed to stitch wounds, he was sent to the hospital. Sadly, the hospital didn't stitch him up (idiots...) so soon he came back to our (Red Cross) post because he felt blood running down his leg, again. Some woman was messing around planning to wrap his entire waste in a bandage, so I subtly took over. It was a small but deep wound (I could see well into the fatty tissue past the dermus in the gaping wound) which kept on bleeding like a drunk keeps on singing regardless of what happens around him. I neatly bandaged him with a plaster fixation. Afterwards I was amazed at how professional I was with this hot thing lying before me with his pants on his knees.
I digress. Though my traditional side keeps me on the safe side when it concerns things that might be found disturbing or unpleasant by people, there is another side of me which trivializes cultural values. Being rational is not always appreciated. But I think being rational does not entail being rude. Though compromising irrational values (like values based on myths, like religious beliefs) might be considered rude, it is not necessarily rude from an objective point of view. Like when last I replied to a message calling for medics to be present during a performance by some psychic guy who was going to talk to dead people, for money; that I would find serving the community there unethical as I would be supporting the performance of that charlatan and would have found it unpleasant to be there in that I had to restrain my urge to throw bricks at that man's head. Neutrality is an important - if not the most important - ground principle of the Red Cross Movement, but it is one that I struggle with from time to time. That incident was one of those moments. Other examples are people serving under the Red Cross performing Reiki or using homeopathic creams on adults. I mean, homeopathy is great for placebo effects, but it must be recognized as just that. Vaseline will do the same when presented appropriately.
Trivializing cultural values allows me to be rational in my thinking, but it does make me end up with theories and ideas which people might find extreme. I think truth is more important than comfort, quite exactly the way reality is reality, regardless of whether people will like it as it is. Pretending the world doesn't work as it does and isn't what it is, is lying and destructive to the progress of mankind. Great examples are the problem of overpopulation in this world, the idea of eugenics and objective morality. Concerning the latter, I think the educated world knows very well that morality is fundamentally an objective matter. The important things in morality are all determined by rationality, logic. Only subtleties in morality can be subjective. I think there is something as truth, which is why I think objective morality exists. The UDHR, I think, is a reasonable presentation of objective morality. But of course even the UDHR is flawed (as I have pointed out before) as it has been corrupted by irrational minds.
Sadly, though my dark (and getting darker) sense of humour is strong, I can't find everything funny anymore. Though the stupidity in this world supplies us with disasters of comical proportions everyday, it is so much it's not funny anymore. Looking at America, the Christian Broadcasting Network, my hope for a better tomorrow is wavering. We're royally fucking up this planet and our species. Deciding that my purpose in life is giving mankind a push in the right direction and attempting to make the experience of life for my fellow and future man better, sometimes seems a bad one. Humanism is great, really, but that ideology starts to feel just as Utopian as my views on government and economics. I've already begun identifying as a Utopian Socialist, maybe I should change from Secular Humanist to Utopian Humanist as well.
It frightens me that this might not work, in time or at all. The Absurd is lurking.
I largely stopped doing First Aid shifts at the theatre which employs us, because I really began being frustrated with people. Their imperfections sometimes overwhelmed me to the point where my professional attitude became shaky. The *facepalm*s started coming at too high a frequency for me to handle with the decency that is expected of me. Now don't think I am some hick which can't control his emotions. I am very good at keeping frustrations under control, dealing with 'difficult' people and tough social or emotional situations. But in my mind, the irritations do register. Fortunately, I find talking with people, getting this stuff and individual frustrations off my chest, really does help. The problem at the theatre is that my colleagues aren't suitable for such chats, because they are part of the frustration or just lack the social/intellectual level to be a valuable receiving partner.
I'm on Facebook, by the way. Hit me up anytime.
There have been a lot of mutations in my life this past year. I started a new education (Nursing), I became coördinator for the Red Cross Disaster Relief (for a short while), am now administrator; am the president of a new committee on Red Cross' District Level (provincial) called into existence to get the public's First Aid skill up to European standards (or preferably higher); am now the only coördinator for the COC (LGBT rights organization) Education Group; will stop being a scoutmaster this summer (just three more weeks, until Summer Camp is over) and will move on from the Scouts (aged 11-15) to the Explorers (aged 15-18), which will relieve me of all the organizational shit I had on my shoulders this year as all of my colleague leaders left... which was a lot of administration and organizing to handle for just one person. This older group within scouting has seemed troublesome to me in the past, since it was (and still is) an age category in which guys start becoming attractive to me. I used to not want to deal with 'those feelings' but now I figure it's not like I'm going to jump a guy I find very attractive, so there is no need to stay away from such pleasant company.
Not to mention the ex-boyfriend. He is cute, there was a definite "damn, I want that" moment when I first saw him. Sadly our personalities aren't matching. He is too free, still exploring (only out of the closet for a year, though he is a year older than I am), too irrational and not laid back enough for me. He found me too serious, too old-fashioned and too calm. Basically too boring I guess. He wasn't ready to settle yet. Our interests didn't match up either... Well, at least I finally had my first relationship. He is also bisexual, which I thought was problematic at first, but I liked his explanation of "I simply love people". I like how our break-up was mutual (though I felt sad) and not problematic.
The therapy for my depression(s) isn't going as planned. Apparently they thought it took me too long to come up with my physicians referral (which me and my physician didn't think was necessary for a first-line psychologist) so they kicked me out. I'm planning to (and going to) re-apply when school starts after summer. Probably with a different line of psychologists as I had several people tell me my previous one isn't much good, and I got a good referral from one of my female colleagues at the Red Cross (who matches my personality, does the psycho-somatic care after potentially traumatic experiences and happens to be the only other gay person in my department of the Red Cross Disaster Relief). Personally I think what is going on with my mental condition is a little more than (just) an annual winter depression.
Well, at least I try. : )
I really do miss blogging, now that I've gotten to writing another wall of text. But I don't think this will become a trend for me. I guess this will remain not much more than an occasional vent for me. Writing things down must be therapeutic in some way. Having other people read it is an incidental benefit, I guess. And last, for old times sake, some hottie to drool over. This is my most recent favourite: Michael Churchill
4 comments:
pity you blog less, was very fond of your broad meandering observations.
One point I strongly disagree: getting married is NOT the normal thing to do! for us homos. I will defend your right to be able to, but dont think you have to. Sure we need a stable group of long-term friends (I've been eating with mine every other sunday for over 30 years), but if you don't share offspring that is really your own, I see very few homo relationships that really last. I find sex stayed fresh, surprising and more satisying over the years if I keep it promiscuous (don't stay sulking at home) I feel your depression could melt away if you were a touch more lighthearted and daring in new endeavours: go dance, run, cycle, swim, see shows, exhibits, zing vecht huil bid lach werk en bewonder . . .
Glad to know you're keeping busy and hanging in there, my friend. Just remember that when the body hurts, you sometimes have to take medicine to control the pain and to help it heal. Same goes for the mind and emotions.
I dropped by to see if you are posting; I will get back to you on this anon!
I'm currently recovering from a pneumonia which I caught on summer-camp in Germany... fortunately I'm back on my feet as the antibiotics are doing their job splendidly.
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