Tomorrow I start at nursing school, death has been on my mind since the end of summer. It may be an autumn depression, though my annual depression usually kicks in about a week after Summer camp. I like rain, so the depression is odd at this time. Though I look forward to nursing school, which starts tomorrow - or rather this afternoon since it is 00:20, recent influences have moved my thoughts to my coping with death.
I never really cared for anyone I buried. My granddad lived too far away and was a devout Catholic, as well as a no-body carpenter. Of no significance, other than that he was the only person I ever liked in 'that' side of the family - my dad's side. He might have been the greatest loss in family terms.
But you already knew family ties mean nothing to me. They are completely irrelevant, only when reproducing it's good to know who's who to prevent inbreeding. Don't get me wrong, I just see a difference between relation and responsibility. Family, as in the line of parents, has great responsibility over their children. But I don't care about nephews or grandparents who don't pick up responsibility or are not friends.
In general, I am very rational and straight-forward. This has helped me much in life. I am a true observer, this is how I learned things and how I live life. This looking from a distance at society has made for some interesting views, but also gave me a connection, or rather alerted me to a connection, I think many people are unaware of or are wilfully ignorant of. I care about mankind, and, though it seems a very, material thought, the more someone means to society, the more I care. Drifters are people I care about, but I care far, far less about the wasted lives in my country than I do about the lives dedicated to society's prosperity. A wealthy businessman, who has spent his life moving money around for profit, is a nobody. A teacher, dedicated to his students, hardly making ends meet financially, is a true pillar of society. The time in which money was a decent measurement for a person's importance, was long ago. Probably prehistoric.
Being straight-forward, rational and empathic, I reckon nursing school will bring me a big lesson. I really don't look forward to hurting people, with needles. I know how much it hurts when it goes wrong, and I know I am (because of that) well driven to learn how to do it perfectly. But it is one of those skills the skillslab won't really teach you, you have to learn by doing it on real people, not the dummy arms. Which brings me to coping with death again...
I have seen many people during first aid jobs and during the intern-ship on the ambulances who were in life-threatening situations, almost all of them because of heart-problems. I have never had to put my resuscitation skills, which we call reanimating, to use. I would like the experience, but I'm not sure how I will cope with literally having had the life of someone in my hands. During such situations I operate more or less on automatic pilot, I work on protocols and am focused on staying calm and, well, focused. No one ever died on an event I 'watched over', this is mere luck, largely, but sooner or later - and definitely would I choose Intensive Care as my specialization in nursing academy, I will have people die on me. Professionally, I will hardly ever know the significance of a person, but I'm pretty sure I will not be able, nor willing, to disregard such considerations. I will ascribe high importance to all unknown persons. Not that it will have any effect on my actions to save or help them, this is going ahead of after-care, as we call it. (Psychological help for rescue workers and others after a potentially traumatic event.) I'm not going to be at home with PTSS, ever. I need to cope with terror.
Losing someone, or having them be permanently disabled, is quite awful. I sometimes wish for a reason or a purpose, but placebos don't seem to satisfy me, I am too sceptical for myself. All in all, truth and rationality seem to work as a good system. Not denying what happened in any way, accepting the causes and outcomes and making sure I don't get stuck with the bad memory. Nursing school has classes focusing on psychology and also classes on ethics. I think the two will be very inspiring, regarding the above alineas.
I got a look at my class, we're about 15 strong, with only three males... it is the same for all other classes.
I never really cared for anyone I buried. My granddad lived too far away and was a devout Catholic, as well as a no-body carpenter. Of no significance, other than that he was the only person I ever liked in 'that' side of the family - my dad's side. He might have been the greatest loss in family terms.
But you already knew family ties mean nothing to me. They are completely irrelevant, only when reproducing it's good to know who's who to prevent inbreeding. Don't get me wrong, I just see a difference between relation and responsibility. Family, as in the line of parents, has great responsibility over their children. But I don't care about nephews or grandparents who don't pick up responsibility or are not friends.
In general, I am very rational and straight-forward. This has helped me much in life. I am a true observer, this is how I learned things and how I live life. This looking from a distance at society has made for some interesting views, but also gave me a connection, or rather alerted me to a connection, I think many people are unaware of or are wilfully ignorant of. I care about mankind, and, though it seems a very, material thought, the more someone means to society, the more I care. Drifters are people I care about, but I care far, far less about the wasted lives in my country than I do about the lives dedicated to society's prosperity. A wealthy businessman, who has spent his life moving money around for profit, is a nobody. A teacher, dedicated to his students, hardly making ends meet financially, is a true pillar of society. The time in which money was a decent measurement for a person's importance, was long ago. Probably prehistoric.
Being straight-forward, rational and empathic, I reckon nursing school will bring me a big lesson. I really don't look forward to hurting people, with needles. I know how much it hurts when it goes wrong, and I know I am (because of that) well driven to learn how to do it perfectly. But it is one of those skills the skillslab won't really teach you, you have to learn by doing it on real people, not the dummy arms. Which brings me to coping with death again...
I have seen many people during first aid jobs and during the intern-ship on the ambulances who were in life-threatening situations, almost all of them because of heart-problems. I have never had to put my resuscitation skills, which we call reanimating, to use. I would like the experience, but I'm not sure how I will cope with literally having had the life of someone in my hands. During such situations I operate more or less on automatic pilot, I work on protocols and am focused on staying calm and, well, focused. No one ever died on an event I 'watched over', this is mere luck, largely, but sooner or later - and definitely would I choose Intensive Care as my specialization in nursing academy, I will have people die on me. Professionally, I will hardly ever know the significance of a person, but I'm pretty sure I will not be able, nor willing, to disregard such considerations. I will ascribe high importance to all unknown persons. Not that it will have any effect on my actions to save or help them, this is going ahead of after-care, as we call it. (Psychological help for rescue workers and others after a potentially traumatic event.) I'm not going to be at home with PTSS, ever. I need to cope with terror.
Losing someone, or having them be permanently disabled, is quite awful. I sometimes wish for a reason or a purpose, but placebos don't seem to satisfy me, I am too sceptical for myself. All in all, truth and rationality seem to work as a good system. Not denying what happened in any way, accepting the causes and outcomes and making sure I don't get stuck with the bad memory. Nursing school has classes focusing on psychology and also classes on ethics. I think the two will be very inspiring, regarding the above alineas.
I got a look at my class, we're about 15 strong, with only three males... it is the same for all other classes.
4 comments:
Nursing school should be quite a journey for you. Good luck, and grow wise. Being a Healer is tough work.
About death, ever consider volunteering in a hospice?
It is quite a lesson.
Those are valid ponderings and uncertainties, my friend, but the only thing you can be sure of is that it will always be your intent to do your best.
Dealing with death is naturally a part of just about any health profession. Having been a mental health professional and also the director of an HIV clinic for ten years, I can tell you that you will come to adjust to the death part.
I have actually considered a hospice, back in 2008 while I worked for Humanitas one of their hospices had an opening. I didn't feel like I had enough time to get into that though.
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